Fitba' Crazy

You all know my big brither Jock 

   His right name’s Johnny Shaw. 

Last week he jined a fitba’ club 

   For he’s mad about fitba’. 

He’s got two black eyes already, 

   An’ teeth oot by the root, 

Since Jock’s face came in contact 

   Wi another fella’s boot.

The first game he took part in, 

   I wis there masel’ an’ saw, 

There were twa half bricks fae goalposts, 

   An’ a tin can for the ba’. 

The Prince of Wales wis present, 

   Wi’ lords ‘n’ ladies grand - 

Oor Jock he got an egg box, 

   An’ he made a big grandstand.

Oh all the fitba’ teams hiv afloat, 

   He swears they are the prime. 

An’ you want tae hear him bounce aboot 

   Their beatin’ record time. 

They’ve challenged every ither side 

   Nane ‘ill tak’ them up, 

Since they beat the Blind Asylum 

   Fir a leather plated cup.

His wife she says she’ll leave him, 

   If he disnae keep 

Away frae playin’ fitba’. 

   At night time in his sleep, 

He ca’s her Pat McGinty, 

   An’ ither names sae droll. 

Last night he kicked her oot the bed - 

   An’ swore it wis a goal!

'Cause he’s fitba’ crazy, 

He’s fitba’ mad. 

The fitba it has ta’en away 

The wee bit sense he had. 

And it wid take a dozen servants 

His claes tae wash and scrub, 

Since Jock became a member o’ 

That terrible fitba’ club.

PLUS THE BONUS

-o0o-